I’m tired. So very tired.
I’m exhausted physically from waking up every few hours at night with a new baby (and sometimes the big kids) and fighting the many symptoms that come along with Graves’ Disease. I’m strained mentally from trying to balance being a wife and mom, homeschooling, work, and all of my other responsibilities. I’m struggling emotionally as so many of my thoughts are filtering through the anxiety I feel over almost everything. I’m drained spiritually because once again I was interrupted as I sat down to have a moment with the Lord.
My life has felt like a Florida winter.
We don’t get beautiful white snow and picturesque scenes. We get dead, brown grass and, as my son so aptly called them when he was around three years old, “naked” trees.
I feel like my life has been a bit like a Florida winter… except much longer than the few weeks of winter we actually have. I feel dark and worn out, stripped of all beauty and goodness I once had to offer. Just longing for sunshine and new growth.
Come to think of it, even my emotions are like the temperature of a Florida winter… all over the place and unpredictable. Seriously, where else is does it range from the 30s to the upper 70s in one day? I won’t head down that rabbit trail today though…
Last year was hard and I feel like it’s taken such a toll on me. I’m still struggling, but am starting to catch glimpses of spring coming. Maybe it’s in the burst of energy I get or the refreshing conversation I have with a friend, but it’s there… trying it’s hardest to poke through.
I’m not a gardener.
The only plants I’ve ever been able to keep alive are a windowsill full of succulents… and when our youngest baby was born I even managed to kill them.
Despite my side gig as a plant murderer, every year I decide that THIS is the year that I’m going to grow a garden, add some landscaping to our rather bare yard, or keep beautiful flowers blooming all season long. I convince my husband it’s a good idea (or rather he let’s me do it anyway despite still being unconvinced), spend a few hours on Pinterest doing “research” and off we go for what I think we need… which usually changes significantly, becoming much less extravagantly planned than I originally thought because I always forget how much this stuff costs!
I love the idea of gardening.
Gardening saves money and you get delicious fresh veggies. It gets you outside, working with your hands and is supposedly really relaxing for many people. It can bring beauty to an otherwise bare or even ugly spot. Gardening feels like it’d be such a productive hobby!
So I try. I start with good intentions, but good intentions don’t grow a garden. I can do all of the dreaming I want, but until I actually get out there and learn what I need to be doing I will never have a successful garden. I’m not taking the time to give my plants what they need so they die.
If I were to just work harder, my garden would still probably die. I might get lucky, but I still don’t know what I’m doing because my “research” isn’t the necessary knowledge that I need for the specific plants I want to grow.
I like to learn random facts.
It’s great that I learned that red plates at the base of a tomato plant help the plant produce more tomatoes, but if I don’t know how much sunlight or water the tomato plant needs it won’t grow. In the same way, if I plant it in the middle of winter, I could cover my entire garden in red plates and still never get a single tomato.
If I ever want to grow a successful garden, I need to focus on the basics, learn from those more knowledgeable than me, and accept that some things are not made for this season.
I can go to the Ultimate Gardener and learn from Him.
He has a plan, a good plan, that will bring forth new life in me. He’s there, waiting and willing to share it with me. I can rest in the knowledge knowing that He knows what He’s doing and will show me the way.
This winter season I am resting in Him as He prepares me for spring so that I can see new growth again. I’m making changes in my life so that I can enjoy the new season I’m entering. I’m taking the time to learn from people who’ve been where I am now. I’m diving deeper into fellowship with the Lord… even when I get interrupted every five minutes.
This season has been for healing and preparing.
I feel like I’ve spent an entire year waiting for spring, both literally and figuratively. This last year has been so incredibly hard, but I can see the days staying brighter longer and the flowers starting to bloom. I have hope that tomorrow will be even more beautiful.
Also, if you happen to see me wandering through the plant section of Lowe’s… please send me home.
